I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
