I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
