I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
