Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
