she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
two words: eviction party
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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