I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
