i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
