the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
