I just saw a hot homeless man
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
it hurts more in the daytime
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
