Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
this hospital has no fireball
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
