watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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