Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
