just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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