Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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