I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
