Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
