When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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