OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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