I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
