Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize