and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
