Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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