Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
