Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
