I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
