party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
