The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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