Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
