i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
