I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
