Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
