he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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