Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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