i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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