I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
