I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
