She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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