Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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