it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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