I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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