we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
