She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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