isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
