Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You ruined the universe
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
