apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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