Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
