already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize