Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
