the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
