I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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