i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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