I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
