she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
