Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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