My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
